I have spent most of my life being Miss Congeniality. Five minutes with me and I think it’s safe to say – I am all fun and games, easy going, and love, love, love to laugh. I carry my light boldly This has left me with a solid network and a good group of friends wherever I end up. I don’t have a hard time building into relationships and creating connections. My most favorite part of life is my relationships – they are special and influence me in ways that I cannot sometimes give to myself.
Most of 2017, I’ve been walking through a very new road – loneliness. And not necessarily for the lack of people, but because I have seen that I need the loneliness. I have had to focus and hone down on my art for the majority of that time – which requires isolation and time and focusing on the inside to bring these words to you. Sometimes it is incredibly hard for me to do this, but recently, I have found that it’s actually be a really wonderful place of refuge.
The truth is – creating this content has left me incredibly raw and vulnerable. There are days after writing that leave me feel so empty because I have written out of the deepest parts of heart. It makes it hard for me to look at people without feeling completely exposed.
It’s incredibly personal to lay your heart on the table. This is what this has been for me – a journey of being publically personal. Everytime I write, I find myself learning more about the deepest parts of my heart – the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s not easy to tell people the truth. Hell, it isn’t particularly easy to tell myself the truth.
In these moments, I’ve found a deeper intimacy with my creator in ways that I cannot express. I have found that God is speaking directly at me in these moments I am most alone. He is revealing himself in the quietest of my writing because no one is speaking at me anymore. It is just me and all my person face to face with God. It is me coming face to face with the thing I absolutely believe God is leading me to… the pruning process, the refining through fire.
It doesn’t always feel so good.
The incredibly loving part of God is that He is not the one condemning you for the “not good enough.” I have found that in my quietest moments that my loudest and biggest condemner is really just me. In fact, I think He is asking for this intimacy so He can kindly remove the feelings of inadequacy. The lies we have believed about ourselves – that have somehow turned into our truth. These are only ours because we allow them to be. Because we haven’t give him the space between us to really speak directly… to calm and change us and speak to the deepest parts of our hearts.
I’ve learned in my loneliness to stop listening to the often loud voices in my head telling me that I cannot be me. I’ve learned those voices are nothing but darkness creeping into our light.
I’ve learned in my quiet moments to trust that I am what God says I am – that He has ONLY kind and loving things to say to me.