I built a fortress in the name of being enough.
The walls were written and engraved with the names of those I loved. I crafted them with my own hands, spending hours laying foundation, designing mirrors, walls, and art that allowed others in.
This structure constructed rooms of “doing” and “giving.”
I gave my entire being to this stronghold. I created it for those I loved and wanted to keep in.
These walls were not strong enough to hold me up.
We experience so much loss in our lives. Circumstances change, people have to adapt, and we’re left in the ashes of what used to be.
In those moments of loss, I want to do everything to make things the same again.
I have been doing the hard work of finding God in where I don’t want him.
The place where I change, people change, and nothing stays the same.
The place where I am valuable – even when the structures that made me feel value disappear.
My moments of strength have lived in the strength of my relationships. If I was good with people, I was confident, strong, and sure of myself.
It’s time to find strength in something that is consistent, true, and never fails.
should be, must be, is the source of my strength.
I wanted it to be me.
I wanted my uniqueness, my identity, and what I bring to the world to be what carries me.
But it’s not.
It’s the God inside of me that makes me who I am.
It’s what draws others to me.
And whether you see Him or not, He is the one who connects you to me.
The hardest part of this is removing the value I place in good feelings, encounters, and experiences with those I used to crave favor from.
It’s trusting that God has me exactly where He wants me. Wherever that might be.
I want to walk on earth knowing that whether you liked it or not, you have accessed a piece of God’s love for you.
It may not make me cool.
It may not make me admirable.
It makes me the one who invests in loving myself through the unchanging nature of God’s love for me.
I am letting him tear down my walls and reacquaint me in the things He loves about me.