Most of my life, my mom never sat still. There was always something to put away, wipe, clean, and check off her to do list.
This is a quality I inherited from her.
As much as I’d love to be a chill, ordinary person – I won’t sit still until every item on my tidiness to-do list is checked off.
It drives me insane to see a mess or something unfinished, just sitting there, unfinished.
My husband, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. He is totally un-bothered.
Three weeks after moving in with this man, I realized how much of a problem this was for me.
He didn’t notice when things were misplaced or needed to get done. He especially didn’t care if I tried to nag him into doing it.
He was doing it his way. In his time. On his agenda.
In one perfectly frustrated moment, I decided to do what any rational person would do.
Leave our apartment without an explanation.
I walked around our neighborhood for hours, silently crying.
I also secretly enjoyed the punishment I had inflicted on him.
I didn’t text, call, or say a word in my three hour disappearance.
When I finally came back home, I was met with a pretty brokenhearted man who was very confused.
That day, I decided it was high time to deal with my emotions in a healthier way.
As much as I love being a petty person, I knew it wasn’t serving me well.
My “I need help” moment didn’t really have anything to do with me. It had everything to do with the way I wanted to treat those I love, well.
Whether you like it or not, you learn how to cope. You experience real, authentic experiences that require you to adapt and learn how to deal with stress, confusion, and disappointment.
The way we learn isn’t always the healthiest way. It’s just a way – and we make it work.
As a brown woman, a woman of two identities, a firstborn immigrant child, a woman who navigated complex systems and a slightly oppressive church community, my feelings were not a priority.
And in time, I made excuses for the disappointment, trauma, and frustrated I experienced.
I told myself, everything was fine.
Until one day, all that fine-ness caught up to me
To you, most of my problems may be of the 1st world category.
It doesn’t make them matter less.
If someone told you to buck up, to figure it out, to let it go – it’s okay that you didn’t. It’s okay that you forgot about what hurt you and tucked it deep inside.
It’s okay that something totally random triggered that same feeling of hurt in a way that caused you to pause.
When I met my counselor, I was immediately met with an ally. Someone who gives me the space to say my truth, meet me in validation, and see me the way I don’t always.
Good. Whole. Complete. And doing the best I can.
I’ve been given a space to talk about my past so I can walk into my present.
And more importantly, I know I’m doing the hard work of trying to ensure that the sins inflicted on me are not brought into my future.
The more time I spend in counseling, I realize our bad behavior – our parents’, friends’, and enemies’ bad behavior, comes from the sins that were inflicted on us.
They come from the pain that was ignored, tucked away, and disregarded.
The moments when we were forced to become small.
If this challenges you, find a space to share these deep hurts.
Acknowledge them. Don’t push them away.
Maybe you’ll find freedom. Maybe you’ll find capacity.
Or maybe, you’ll just remember that you’re heavenly father sees all these things. He holds you close. Your smallest hurt is of utmost importance to Him.
Your smallest hurt means more than you give it credit for.