There are silly things I’ve asked God for in a partner. My list is endless and I won’t bore you with the details – but I had a list about ten qualities reserved for “the one”. Over the course of my life, I have dated, half-dated, and gotten to know some incredible people. Many of those men had the qualities I was looking for, but always with a missing link. In moments like these, I caught myself wondering if I was being picky with God. A lot of my family told me the pickier I was, the more likely I’d end up with no one.
To be honest, this was a real fear for me – ending up with no one. Yet, in the back of my mind, as I went on dates there was always something missing – something small, big, but missing all the same.
Last April, I was pushed out of a crush with a man I had really strong feelings for. I believed God told me he was my husband and I watched myself do everything in my power to help him see the revelation I believed God had given me. I grasped for his attention and tried every technique possible to get him to notice me.
He ended up dating someone else, and I was devastated. I strived to get his attention and though he always noticed me, he never had the courage to step up and get me.
That was a really rough season for me, mostly because I began that crush knowing he wasn’t someone I should fall for. He was one of my “counterfeits” — someone who walked and talked with many of the qualities I was looking for, but so lacked what I knew I needed in a partner. Despite that, I fell hard, fast, and I wanted him to pick me. I got caught up in the intensity of my feelings, and it stung to lose him.
I cried out to God and I asked Him why he let me fall for this man. I was quite mad at God, frustrated He had put someone in my path I didn’t need to have feelings for. I felt like God had tricked me and was allowing yet another heartbreak. I have always felt like everyone around me was able to catch and keep a man. I have been looking for my husband for years and I didn’t want to keep falling into the same patterns – fall unrequitedly or unfairly with a man who didn’t want me, hurt for a couple months, rinse and repeat. Heartbreak is not something new to me. I’ve experienced a lot of it, and it’s something I felt that was going to continue to happen to me.
God loudly told me this in that dark, vulnerable, and very weepy place:
Rachel Varkey, the man who is going to marry you will know how valuable you are to me that he will ask me for you. I am your father, you are mine, and you are that important to me. He will know to ask me for you because he sees how incredibly valuable you are to me. That is your worth. Until you realize that is your worth to Me, he will not find you. Until the love I have from you can overflow from your heart, you will not see the promises I have in store for you.
Can I tell you how much that broke me? I truly believe God has made me a confident, capable, and thoughtful woman. Yet God, in my moment of absolute weakness, was reminding me I had a long way to go with what I believed about me. The reason He could say it so loudly was because I was allowing the heartbreak of a relationship to define my identity.
I have been the woman who wallowed in the heartbreak of her relationship for so long it actually defined me in a season. There have been seasons of my life when I grasped and strived for attention because I felt like it made me a more powerful and noticeable woman. Those feelings of adequacy were temporal and insatiable. I never felt whole.
God is asking us to believe in the worth He has given us before we see the manifestation of the abundance, blessing, and goodness of who He is in our physical. In fact, I actually believe those blessings don’t mean anything until we see how valuable we are to Christ.
Beautiful, incredible, and lovely people — God is asking you to do inventory on what you believe about His character in your life. I want you to look in the mirror and see that God believes and loves you enough to pour his love and goodness over you in immense, tangible, and kind ways.
God reminded me that day He means it when He looks at me and proudly says ‘Mine’ — even if I didn’t always believe it. It always starts with our faith in Him, doesn’t it?