Lolo and I had been dating for a few weeks. We had stepped into a café after walking around Chelsea and we started discussing our idea of the perfect date. Lolo started talking about a candlelit dinner, dressing up, and I honestly started convulsing.
I’m actually cringing. I am so not that girl. I am not sure if I can be that girl.
I am a very corny person. I live to tell people corny, sappy things to show how much I love and admire them. However, there is nothing cornier to me than the “traditional date.” A perfect date, in my eyes, is taking the time to share something that matters to you with me. If it’s walking around a park, touring an exhibit, taking a spontaneous trip (2017 date goals if anyone’s interested), I’m pretty open. As long as I am getting to see something that brings you joy, I’m pretty happy.
Lolo’s idea of a perfect date wasn’t what threw me off. It’s his reaction to my convulsion that did. After discussing our perfect date ideas and countering each other’s personal interests, he paused and asked me:
“Are you sure you’re confident?”
Yes, sir. I am very confident. I might like myself a little too much.
I have never found much identity in my own appearance. There were just other things about me that I worked on and other personality qualities I have liked more. However, I have never quite been that comfortable in my outer layer of skin. I have STUNNINGLY beautiful friends. And I, often times, found myself comparing myself to the way they received attention from others than I did for myself. I was the “funny girl,” “smart girl,” “charming girl” – I was not the sexy girl.
I am now coming around to the idea that all those things – funny, smart, and charming – can find an intersection with sexy. I also am allowed to play into any of those identities, all of them, at any given moment.
I have been pretty open with my female friends about my struggle with sexy. Some of my favorite church friends have deemed me as #sexyrach which actually makes me cringe. In college, my girlfriends and I started a group chat called “The Sexy Journey” to give me advice on how to live into my “sexiness.” Let’s just say that turned into a joke really quickly. I am not easily broken.
I currently have a 7th grade level unrequited crush on a man who I think is very cute. And without even trying, I have found myself backpedaling into this idea that a man as good looking as him couldn’t possibly be interested in someone who looks like me. I opened up to my friend for the first time about this and I told her my truth.
I couldn’t possibly imagine a man as handsome as him being interested in a person who looks like me.
This is very real for me. As someone who is all about empowering women to believe in all of their identities – I am the number one person to yell you into believing how beautiful, sexy, and perfectly God has made you. I felt like a fraud, especially because I write to and for women. But what it really came down to was my pride.
#Sexyrach is definitely afraid of getting her ego bruised. She isn’t interested in someone not liking her as she is. #Sexyrach doesn’t believe that God could have possibly made her that way. She, oftentimes, doesn’t want to wait God out and believe that He has created someone who might find her sexy.
I have chosen the easy way out, a lot. I have accepted circumstances that protected my ego and pride in the short term, but often times left me more damaged and broken than where I started off. I have had to own up to not being willing to submit my pride to God – allowing Him to see that no person could help me feel good about the way I look. God has fearfully and wonderfully made me, which means I can feel confident in my inside, but also my outside. No person is ever going to help me feel this way about myself. It truly comes from my ability to walk it out with God and allow His identity – that I am beautiful and perfectly made – be how I live out sexy.