I have recently reevaluated my sanity over a crush that I had for the past year. I didn’t have all the facts and I spent a good year of my life falling for a guy who wasn’t actually real. In my heart he was real, but the person in front of me, what I actually saw – that was not that person. And I missed every red freaking flag you could possibly imagine. All I saw was the person I wanted to see, the person inside of him, the person I actually know he is.
I have done this a lot – like, maybe, a few more times than I’d like to admit.
The truth is, I haven’t always successfully walked away as unscathed as I did in this scenario. In fact, most of the time I have walked into these terrible partnerships with people and stayed for too long, loved for too long, mostly because I continued to hope that I could make this person see themselves in the way I know they are made, the way God sees them.
This is my most favorite quality about myself, but it is my Achilles’ heel. It means I get hurt, a lot.
But it also means that I am in on some of God’s beautiful craftsmanship and that, to me, in many ways, will always be enough.
I am the most fixer, superhero complex person you will ever meet, but I have never actually been successful at helping someone see themselves. It is really hard to ask someone to face pieces of themselves they haven’t yet worked through. Oftentimes, they might use mystery and illusion to make themselves appear to be… more. I have had to learn that there is nothing to read into – that for the most part, what you see is what you get. I know that I have dissected many ridiculous conversations and actions and tried to read into what people might actually mean, what their intent is. And sometimes, you are even absolutely right to believe whatever you make out of those dissections. I think 9/10 times, most of the things I have read into have been the truth of the situation.
Who cares if you are right? Who cares what their intentions are? I can sit in your intentions for the rest of my life and nothing could change for me. I stay stagnant in your intentions and the worst place to be in friendship and relationship is not growing.
I think there is something very wrong with having to convince someone that you could serve a purpose in their life. I have sat and waited for people to get to a place where they can do that with no reciprocation on their end. The more I waited, the more insecure I became – because people like that are not in it for validating or honoring you, they’re in it to feed their own ego. For a long time, I thought people needed more cracking because life is hard and circumstances are hard.
It takes a really brave person to decide to create space for someone. I think brave people do not hold people accountable for the mistakes others have made against them. I think brave people treat others fairly, graciously, and kindly. I think they are mindful of people’s time and willingness to invest in them, and they act different. They do right. They do better even when no one else is doing better.
You cannot walk into another person’s bravery – as much as you can see it in them. You cannot chase after their revelation. You cannot be the catalyst of change. In my heart, only God can do that. But what I really think is that you have to LET God do that.
I am learning that the best thing to do is to know that when you notice something off, it probably is off. That there may just not be anything more to see here. To keep it pushing. We are all works in progress. There is always something new to grow into, new roads to take – but never, ever for one second, allow someone to make you feel that your investment is not trustworthy. That person is not meant to be in your world if they cannot see you as a gift.
That is the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to put into practice. I struggle with it every day. It embarrasses me and it makes me uncomfortable. I really frustrate myself for not being the type of woman who can let it go.
But I will be the woman who looks a little bit harder. And I will be the woman who speaks that truth to others.